2017: As the year closes out...

Note: It's been over a year since I used this particular blog. I had the best of intentions but never really followed through. I thought now would be a good time to try & get back into practice with it.

2017. Holy cow.

The tumultuous year of 2017 really began in earnest in 2016 with the election of Donald Trump to be the next POTUS. It seemed like all hell broke loose in the media and across the country (the world, even). His Inauguration  on January 20, 2017 marked the end of an era, for sure, and I feel like we're still transitioning as a country eleven months later.

How has Trump done? It's hard to tell, honestly. With all media outlets except Fox News railing against him (and even then, some journalists there are increasingly critical), we never hear anything good about the man. He's obnoxious, boorish, and in my opinion, unqualified to be the leader of the Free World. He's plagued by scandal after scandal yet his ego remains planetary (in public, anyway)... but none of this is news. It began in 2015 when he announced his candidacy. 35% of Republican voters made him their candidate for the 2016 election and had there not been 15 others running, I don't think he'd have gotten the nomination, but that's all history.

I scoff, though, at Americans who say "not my President". He is, like it or not. Many of us didn't vote for Obama but I never used that phrase toward him. Trump likely doesn't represent your values, your vision for the country, or what you stand for, but he's still your President. In fact, given his constant contradictions in speeches, Twitter, and rallies, it's hard to know what he actually stands for other than himself. I don't believe he's going anywhere for the next three years so we as a nation will have to deal with that.

One (perhaps unintended) positive result of his Presidency has been that many people have found their voice both personally and politically. He's encouraged people on both sides of the political spectrum to stand up for their beliefs. Women are speaking up about abuse at the hands of monsters like Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer. A so-called Republican who allegedly molested teenage girls when he was in his 30s, and believes Muslims should not hold public office and that women are genetically inferior to men, was beaten in an election in Alabama (though he's still contesting it as of this writing)

Unfortunately it's been a double-edged sword. As an example, for every peaceful protester against the neo-Nazis in Charlottesville, there's another terrorist in the Antifa movement. Countering violence and hate with more violence and hate will not get us anywhere. But many people have no idea how to broach the subject properly. I use this simple meme to sum up this point:

   

Now that the obligatory political comments have been made, I have to say this year has had a few downs and some incredible highs in my personal life.

In May, I legally adopted my daughter. This actually began six months before when she asked me if I would... you talk about an honor! We took the entire day to celebrate with family at the courthouse and out for a late breakfast afterward. Most step-parents are good at the job and care deeply for their kids. Few, though, get to have their kids officially declared theirs, and fewer still by the kids' choice. My daughter is amazing, simply put, and the joy I felt was unparalleled.

In June we had the opportunity to stay with some of my wife's family in Petosky, MI, enjoying the wonder of Michigan's northern regions. We shared many laughs, the kids had a great time, and we got to have experiences we hadn't done yet. She got to see her dad and young siblings, which made the trip special.

Christmas was a few days ago and we were blessed to provide great gifts for our kids. It was the first time in several years I looked forward to the Holiday and it lived up to expectations.

Both kids, my son and daughter, are doing fantastic in school. He's at the top of his class in several subjects and she has rebounded from a tough year in Grade 7 and has shown what she's capable of in Grade 8. She's also talented musically, playing violin/fiddle and teaching herself piano. He's creative with writing and making his own mini-comic books. They're both witty, kind, smart, and overall good people. As a parent there's little more you can ask for.

Work at my main job was tough this year. At times humiliating and humbling, I've found a bit more purpose there in the last quarter of the year. I had the opportunity to work for about half the year at the local Home Depot, though, and took a lot of joy in that. I'd never really done customer service before and it was a good lesson in how to deal with the public. Most of the experiences were positive, my coworkers and store leadership were open and welcoming, and part of me wishes I'd stayed. Who knows, maybe in the future?

I'm still married! *lol* Married now six-and-a-half years and together for over eight, I'm still fortunate enough to be married to an exceptional woman who loves me for who I am. I treasure her now and always. Thank you, Darling.

There were a lot of good day-to-day happenings and one-off events that I need not bring up. I try to focus less on the macro and more on the micro nowadays, doing the best I can with my friends and family. I honestly think if more people focused on their family and friends, tried to raise their kids right, and did their best to be decent people, we'd be better off. That's not enough for the world, of course, but it would be a start.

So Happy New Year, everyone. Let's make 2018 the best year yet. Many of the shackles of 2017 don't need to weigh us down in the next twelve months. Despite the craziness out there, there are stories everyday of people helping one another, of people coming together in times of crisis. There's lots to hope for, plenty to be thankful for, and maybe we'll each get the chance to do that ourselves in 2018.

One in Four

My wife suffered a miscarriage last fall. Last week - the first full week of June, 2016 - is when our baby would've been born. It's been an emotionally tough time lately.

We only had our baby for a week; we found out she was pregnant and she lost the baby just over a week later. It may not seem like much to some and it certainly wasn't a long time. But something we created, a human life, existed on this planet. Some people around us may have forgotten, and others may not want to bring it up because it's a sad and uncomfortable subject.

I firmly believe life begins at the moment of conception. This has nothing to do with the Catholic Church telling me so, but it is one of the many reasons I belong to the Church. It has to do with morals, a conscious belief that just because something hasn't taken its first independent breath doesn't mean a life doesn't exist. It absolutely does.

The pregnancy was a surprise, unplanned but not unwelcome... after the initial shock wore off. At first I was terrified and she was quite nervous, too. Our family & friends were supportive and the kids looked forward to it. We assured them that the love we had for them would not be affected by a new baby. We even posted a picture with our shoes and birth dates along with a pair of little tiny shoes drawn in chalk with the expected arrival date.

She knew something was wrong the next week and we spent a lot of time in the hospital. On the Friday when it was confirmed, when she called me at work to tell me the miscarriage had really happened, I rushed home from work and we spent a tear-filled afternoon holding each other, not saying much but comforting one another. It was one of the saddest, emotionally painful days of my life. My wife - a woman who knew from an early age she was meant to have kids and is the best Mom in the world to the ones we have - was robbed of another chance.

In the aftermath, the weeks immediately following, we were both on edge and communication between us was almost nil. Finally we confessed that we both held ourselves to blame, that there must've been something wrong with ourselves and our DNA, but that wasn't really the case. A miscarriage is nature's way of saying something was wrong and the baby wasn't meant to be and we know that. We also know that a soul, despite being unborn, is in Heaven and we both hope to meet her one day (yes, we both felt it would've been a little girl).

For a few weeks afterward I said hello to her out there in the sky as I was driving to work. I occasionally still do when I'm driving, or sitting out on the deck, or the thought of last Fall comes to mind... it's tough. But I wouldn't want to forget it, either.

So why am I writing about this subject? Because I need to, for me. Because we found out that one in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Some women may not even realize they've had one, and some have many and suffer over and over the same emotional heartbreak my wife did. I can't fathom the hurt they must feel and my heart & prayers go out to them all. We found out some women in our lives had them and never shared their story with us until we, too, had gone through it.

You may also be wondering why I'm using the term "we" here. I didn't suffer the physical loss, or the hormonal shifts afterward, or the postpartum depression. But as a man who fathered a child I'll never get to meet, it still cut me deeply, both in losing the child and seeing my wife - my soulmate - hurt like she did. I love her and when she's hurting, I'm hurting.

I'll end by saying this to those who've suffered this: you're not alone. It hurts like hell and things may never be quite the same, but you will be okay. I promise.

America the Exceptional, Part One

On a recent trip to Maryland, my family and I had the opportunity to go sight seeing (read: do touristy things) on the East Coast, as well as take in the sights of some of America's prettiest country.

For those who've traveled the Ohio Turnpike, you know just what a barren, desolate part of the Midwest it is: nothing but flatlands and truck stops for 90% of the ride. The truck stops are admittedly superior to Michigan's but they're the only relief from an otherwise mind-numbing ride. All that changed when we entered Pennsylvania... my goodness, the scenery was beautiful: Rolling green hills, blue skies, and a longer-yet-aesthetically-pleasing drive lay ahead. I get why the Amish cherish it so!

We took the Metro from Shady Grove, MD to Washington, D.C. A light rain greeted us but soon abated, allowing the sun to shine.  We began our all-too-brief visit at the Washington Monument, the sheer height of which makes you feel the size of an ant. It was awe-inspiring, I admit. The Lincoln Memorial offers a splendid view of the mall, the Reflection Pond, and the Capital building beyond. To see Honest Abe's likeness and words keeping watch over the capital inspires hope.

What I appreciated most, though, were the World War II and Korean War Memorials. My grandfather, four of his brothers, my great-uncle Bill, and other family fought in WWII and I was proud to pay homage with a visit. A dear friend of my family's was in Korea; he's been gone ten years now but I still remember him as if we talked yesterday. I couldn't help but feel gratitude.

Me at the WWII Memorial - Atlantic Side


We hit the National Air & Space Museum, part of the Smithsonian collective, to the thrill of my kids. The Wright Bros.' plane, Amelia Earhart's belongings, the Apollo 11 cone, and so much more fascinated them, and I liked it, too. You could spend all day there and not see it all. To see everything we'd have wanted, we'd easily need a week to cover all the museums and attractions.

What struck me about the tourist area of D.C. was the diversity of visitors. My family is made up of white, Christian Midwesterners, and we stood side-by-side with a variety of folks from Southeast Asia (particularly at the Korean Memorial), Middle Eastern Muslims, and people of all races, creeds, and nationalities. We were all there to take in the history and reverence in the capital of what I truly believe is still the greatest nation on Earth. Even if you (or they) don't agree, one cannot help but respect the effort put in to making America's history living and vibrant to visitors.

2015: Out like a tamed lion...

I feel like I should reflect back on another year but don't know where to begin, or if it's even relevant. Does anyone else feel the same? I mean, other than the earth taking another trip around the sun, what's changed? My household has had its share of ups & downs this year but we're probably no different from anyone else. Each person's conditions and lives are unique, true, but happiness and grief go on across the world every moment of every day.

Focusing on the negative comes easy, at least to me. My grandmother died late this fall and that was a huge loss, though not unexpected. She was 90 and in poor health for several years. Even so, she was a beloved woman whose kindness and intelligence positively impacted everyone she knew. Not a lot of us can say that about ourselves or most folks we know.

April suffered a miscarriage on an unplanned but welcome pregnancy. We'd never wanted more kids but when presented with the circumstance, it was filled with joy. The after-effects are still felt.

But through these events we had the love and support of family, friends and acquaintances in ways we hadn't expected. Folks were genuinely supportive and it made the grief and loss a bit more bearable. To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, "A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature." Thank you to my friends & family who are there for me.

2015 is also the year we've recommitted ourselves to the Church, to our Catholic faith, which has also been a source of strength during rough times and contributing factor during good times, too. Those who know me in person will tell you I'm not preachy regarding my faith, that I don't find anyone else's particular denomination or faith to be "less than" my own. I converted at age 21 for my sake, no one else's. Both kids are now involved in our parish's youth programs, April teaches Elijah's class, and I'm sponsoring my Dad in RCIA.

The biggest financial news was, of course, purchasing our first home. We'd rented for the the previous four and a half years and while having a landlord to fix little or big things that went wrong was great, owning a home is a privilege I'm extremely grateful for. The house is beautiful and we're looking forward to raising our kids and growing old here.

My kids have both grown so much physically and intellectually, being at or near the top of their respective classes in various subjects. My daughter's musicianship has blossomed and Elijah has turned out to have a passion for mathematics and numbers (something I always struggled with in school). Being their father is an honor.

I rediscovered my love and respect for my wife this year. Now before you read too much in to that, I must clarify that I've always loved and respected her. But as those who've been married or in long term relationships can attest, life can turn into a routine and a loving relationship can, for lack of a better term, coast along. Maybe it's more accurate to say 2015 is the year I've fallen for her all over again and developed a greater appreciation for her beauty, intelligence, love, and all her other qualities.

It's been a banner year for my music collection. I've acquired more than 70 vinyl records, not including the 33 1/3 and 78rpm records my grandparents gave me. Many CDs made their way into my home, too, and I've expanded my musical palette to include artists I previously wouldn't have thought (Wilco and Elvis Costello come to mind). Music has always been my passion to discuss, write about, and spend time with, so I'm incredibly thankful for what I've got.

So there's been much to celebrate this year in my household. I wish the best for you all as one year closes and another opens, full of possibility and promise. Happy New Year to us all.  

Thank You

I'm looking out the window at a beautiful backyard as the first snowfall of the Autumn / Winter of 2015-16 commences. I have a cup of strong Italian Roast coffee next to me, my family is playing on electronic gaming devices, and my dogs are lazy & content. Life is pretty darn good at the moment.

My posts on this blog have so far leaned toward the negative, or at least not been overwhelmingly happy. I even had a different topic picked for this post which followed suit. Instead, I feel the need to express gratitude for the good things in my life.

The latter half of 2015 has been a bit rough (a miscarriage, loss of a grandparent, and a close family member's health problems). Despite these, there have been - and continue to be - blessings in my life.

• We bought a house this Spring. I'm not bragging, but it's a beautiful house we now call home. We live in a good neighborhood and have a permanent space to call our own, to raise children in, to grow old in. 
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• My kids have done exceptionally well this year both personally and professionally; yes, I consider school to be their profession. Each is at or near the top of their class in several subjects and both have established friendships. Maddie continues to astonish with her musical ability and writing skills, and Elijah began Cub Scouts, a path I began at his age and followed to Eagle Scout. 
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• I've been able to expand my music collection further than perhaps any other year. I've discovered some hidden gems by artists I like as well as discovering new music to fill my ears. Good music has been a constant companion for many years now (bordering on obsessive to some) and it's something I feel has enriched my life.  
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• We've recommitted ourselves to our faith. This happened not long before this Fall's issues and has been quietly instrumental in sustaining my mental health through difficult times. We're supporting our kids' faith formation, and I'm my Dad's sponsor in RCIA (Right of Christian Initiation of Adults). At 66 and after 50 years away, he's made the choice to join the church and allowed me the privilege of taking the journey with him.
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• My relationship with my wife is stronger than it's been in years, perhaps ever. Through adversity comes strength and our loss a couple months ago has made me love, respect, and appreciate her more than I knew I could. 
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• Family & friends have been nothing but supportive though everything. In the hum-drum of day-to-day life, it's easy to forget how fortunate I am when it comes to what a great support system my family and I have.

I didn't mean to make a Thanksgiving post, but with the holiday coming next week, I guess that's what was on my mind. So to my American friends and family, Happy Thanksgiving, and to those around the world, I wish for happiness and goodness in your lives. Thanks for being there for me.

"The days I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations... Well, I have really good days." - Ray Wylie Hubbard

A Life Well Lived

My Grandma died on October 21, 2015.

She was 90, so it's not as if she was denied a long life; she had Alzheimer's, so the mind of a fiercely intelligent woman was all but gone, as were most of her physical abilities. She passed with family and friends by her side, so she thankfully didn't die alone.

A simple, beautiful memorial service was held last week at a small Mennonite church in Toronto. It was a comfort to see the room overflowing with people who came to pay their last respects, to honor the life of a woman who'd done so much for them. Growing up 400 miles away in a different country, I never had the opportunity to get to know my Grandma's day-to-day routines, but I always knew what a special lady she was. I just had no clue how many others felt the same way.

Agnes Mary Stewart Ford was the second of nine children and when her older brother George died in WWII, that left her as the eldest. She was one of those rare people who nearly everyone who met her liked her, and her soft-spoken nature would become a pillar of strength and respect in her large extended family.

She loved God & her family fiercely. She and my Grandpa, Fred Billedeau, were deeply involved in the church, and after he died (young, at 66 in 1993), she not only remained active, but assumed some of his duties as well. No one could quite figure out how she did it, and at times the physical strain showed, but she remained an active member of the community until forced into hospitalization, then a nursing home, in her late 80s.

Agnes was a loving Grandma; she always had words of love and encouragement, and showed an interest in what her grandchildren were up to (that, at least, is my experience). I looked forward to holiday and birthday cards, as most who knew her did, because each was picked after careful consideration for its recipient and filled with a personal, hand-written message.

She was slow to anger and rarely lost her temper and even in bad situations, by all accounts, never raised her voice (a trait I sadly did not inherit). Respect for others came naturally to her and she, in turn, earned the respect of all who knew her. Following the example set decades before by her own parents, if someone was in need, she would help in any way possible.

90 years of living cannot possibly be summed up in one short essay, so let me say this: I did not write this in mourning or looking for sympathy, but as a tribute and a meditation on how we live our lives by using her as a shining example of goodness. And that's exactly what my grandmother was: Good. As a sister, daughter, wife, mother,grandmother, aunt, friend, member of her community and the world at large, she was a good person. She's one of the few people I've met who I am certain made it directly to Heaven to be reunited with family and friends gone before her.

At the end of our own lifetimes, we should all hope to be remembered the same way.