2017: As the year closes out...

Note: It's been over a year since I used this particular blog. I had the best of intentions but never really followed through. I thought now would be a good time to try & get back into practice with it.

2017. Holy cow.

The tumultuous year of 2017 really began in earnest in 2016 with the election of Donald Trump to be the next POTUS. It seemed like all hell broke loose in the media and across the country (the world, even). His Inauguration  on January 20, 2017 marked the end of an era, for sure, and I feel like we're still transitioning as a country eleven months later.

How has Trump done? It's hard to tell, honestly. With all media outlets except Fox News railing against him (and even then, some journalists there are increasingly critical), we never hear anything good about the man. He's obnoxious, boorish, and in my opinion, unqualified to be the leader of the Free World. He's plagued by scandal after scandal yet his ego remains planetary (in public, anyway)... but none of this is news. It began in 2015 when he announced his candidacy. 35% of Republican voters made him their candidate for the 2016 election and had there not been 15 others running, I don't think he'd have gotten the nomination, but that's all history.

I scoff, though, at Americans who say "not my President". He is, like it or not. Many of us didn't vote for Obama but I never used that phrase toward him. Trump likely doesn't represent your values, your vision for the country, or what you stand for, but he's still your President. In fact, given his constant contradictions in speeches, Twitter, and rallies, it's hard to know what he actually stands for other than himself. I don't believe he's going anywhere for the next three years so we as a nation will have to deal with that.

One (perhaps unintended) positive result of his Presidency has been that many people have found their voice both personally and politically. He's encouraged people on both sides of the political spectrum to stand up for their beliefs. Women are speaking up about abuse at the hands of monsters like Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer. A so-called Republican who allegedly molested teenage girls when he was in his 30s, and believes Muslims should not hold public office and that women are genetically inferior to men, was beaten in an election in Alabama (though he's still contesting it as of this writing)

Unfortunately it's been a double-edged sword. As an example, for every peaceful protester against the neo-Nazis in Charlottesville, there's another terrorist in the Antifa movement. Countering violence and hate with more violence and hate will not get us anywhere. But many people have no idea how to broach the subject properly. I use this simple meme to sum up this point:

   

Now that the obligatory political comments have been made, I have to say this year has had a few downs and some incredible highs in my personal life.

In May, I legally adopted my daughter. This actually began six months before when she asked me if I would... you talk about an honor! We took the entire day to celebrate with family at the courthouse and out for a late breakfast afterward. Most step-parents are good at the job and care deeply for their kids. Few, though, get to have their kids officially declared theirs, and fewer still by the kids' choice. My daughter is amazing, simply put, and the joy I felt was unparalleled.

In June we had the opportunity to stay with some of my wife's family in Petosky, MI, enjoying the wonder of Michigan's northern regions. We shared many laughs, the kids had a great time, and we got to have experiences we hadn't done yet. She got to see her dad and young siblings, which made the trip special.

Christmas was a few days ago and we were blessed to provide great gifts for our kids. It was the first time in several years I looked forward to the Holiday and it lived up to expectations.

Both kids, my son and daughter, are doing fantastic in school. He's at the top of his class in several subjects and she has rebounded from a tough year in Grade 7 and has shown what she's capable of in Grade 8. She's also talented musically, playing violin/fiddle and teaching herself piano. He's creative with writing and making his own mini-comic books. They're both witty, kind, smart, and overall good people. As a parent there's little more you can ask for.

Work at my main job was tough this year. At times humiliating and humbling, I've found a bit more purpose there in the last quarter of the year. I had the opportunity to work for about half the year at the local Home Depot, though, and took a lot of joy in that. I'd never really done customer service before and it was a good lesson in how to deal with the public. Most of the experiences were positive, my coworkers and store leadership were open and welcoming, and part of me wishes I'd stayed. Who knows, maybe in the future?

I'm still married! *lol* Married now six-and-a-half years and together for over eight, I'm still fortunate enough to be married to an exceptional woman who loves me for who I am. I treasure her now and always. Thank you, Darling.

There were a lot of good day-to-day happenings and one-off events that I need not bring up. I try to focus less on the macro and more on the micro nowadays, doing the best I can with my friends and family. I honestly think if more people focused on their family and friends, tried to raise their kids right, and did their best to be decent people, we'd be better off. That's not enough for the world, of course, but it would be a start.

So Happy New Year, everyone. Let's make 2018 the best year yet. Many of the shackles of 2017 don't need to weigh us down in the next twelve months. Despite the craziness out there, there are stories everyday of people helping one another, of people coming together in times of crisis. There's lots to hope for, plenty to be thankful for, and maybe we'll each get the chance to do that ourselves in 2018.

One in Four

My wife suffered a miscarriage last fall. Last week - the first full week of June, 2016 - is when our baby would've been born. It's been an emotionally tough time lately.

We only had our baby for a week; we found out she was pregnant and she lost the baby just over a week later. It may not seem like much to some and it certainly wasn't a long time. But something we created, a human life, existed on this planet. Some people around us may have forgotten, and others may not want to bring it up because it's a sad and uncomfortable subject.

I firmly believe life begins at the moment of conception. This has nothing to do with the Catholic Church telling me so, but it is one of the many reasons I belong to the Church. It has to do with morals, a conscious belief that just because something hasn't taken its first independent breath doesn't mean a life doesn't exist. It absolutely does.

The pregnancy was a surprise, unplanned but not unwelcome... after the initial shock wore off. At first I was terrified and she was quite nervous, too. Our family & friends were supportive and the kids looked forward to it. We assured them that the love we had for them would not be affected by a new baby. We even posted a picture with our shoes and birth dates along with a pair of little tiny shoes drawn in chalk with the expected arrival date.

She knew something was wrong the next week and we spent a lot of time in the hospital. On the Friday when it was confirmed, when she called me at work to tell me the miscarriage had really happened, I rushed home from work and we spent a tear-filled afternoon holding each other, not saying much but comforting one another. It was one of the saddest, emotionally painful days of my life. My wife - a woman who knew from an early age she was meant to have kids and is the best Mom in the world to the ones we have - was robbed of another chance.

In the aftermath, the weeks immediately following, we were both on edge and communication between us was almost nil. Finally we confessed that we both held ourselves to blame, that there must've been something wrong with ourselves and our DNA, but that wasn't really the case. A miscarriage is nature's way of saying something was wrong and the baby wasn't meant to be and we know that. We also know that a soul, despite being unborn, is in Heaven and we both hope to meet her one day (yes, we both felt it would've been a little girl).

For a few weeks afterward I said hello to her out there in the sky as I was driving to work. I occasionally still do when I'm driving, or sitting out on the deck, or the thought of last Fall comes to mind... it's tough. But I wouldn't want to forget it, either.

So why am I writing about this subject? Because I need to, for me. Because we found out that one in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Some women may not even realize they've had one, and some have many and suffer over and over the same emotional heartbreak my wife did. I can't fathom the hurt they must feel and my heart & prayers go out to them all. We found out some women in our lives had them and never shared their story with us until we, too, had gone through it.

You may also be wondering why I'm using the term "we" here. I didn't suffer the physical loss, or the hormonal shifts afterward, or the postpartum depression. But as a man who fathered a child I'll never get to meet, it still cut me deeply, both in losing the child and seeing my wife - my soulmate - hurt like she did. I love her and when she's hurting, I'm hurting.

I'll end by saying this to those who've suffered this: you're not alone. It hurts like hell and things may never be quite the same, but you will be okay. I promise.

2015: Out like a tamed lion...

I feel like I should reflect back on another year but don't know where to begin, or if it's even relevant. Does anyone else feel the same? I mean, other than the earth taking another trip around the sun, what's changed? My household has had its share of ups & downs this year but we're probably no different from anyone else. Each person's conditions and lives are unique, true, but happiness and grief go on across the world every moment of every day.

Focusing on the negative comes easy, at least to me. My grandmother died late this fall and that was a huge loss, though not unexpected. She was 90 and in poor health for several years. Even so, she was a beloved woman whose kindness and intelligence positively impacted everyone she knew. Not a lot of us can say that about ourselves or most folks we know.

April suffered a miscarriage on an unplanned but welcome pregnancy. We'd never wanted more kids but when presented with the circumstance, it was filled with joy. The after-effects are still felt.

But through these events we had the love and support of family, friends and acquaintances in ways we hadn't expected. Folks were genuinely supportive and it made the grief and loss a bit more bearable. To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, "A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature." Thank you to my friends & family who are there for me.

2015 is also the year we've recommitted ourselves to the Church, to our Catholic faith, which has also been a source of strength during rough times and contributing factor during good times, too. Those who know me in person will tell you I'm not preachy regarding my faith, that I don't find anyone else's particular denomination or faith to be "less than" my own. I converted at age 21 for my sake, no one else's. Both kids are now involved in our parish's youth programs, April teaches Elijah's class, and I'm sponsoring my Dad in RCIA.

The biggest financial news was, of course, purchasing our first home. We'd rented for the the previous four and a half years and while having a landlord to fix little or big things that went wrong was great, owning a home is a privilege I'm extremely grateful for. The house is beautiful and we're looking forward to raising our kids and growing old here.

My kids have both grown so much physically and intellectually, being at or near the top of their respective classes in various subjects. My daughter's musicianship has blossomed and Elijah has turned out to have a passion for mathematics and numbers (something I always struggled with in school). Being their father is an honor.

I rediscovered my love and respect for my wife this year. Now before you read too much in to that, I must clarify that I've always loved and respected her. But as those who've been married or in long term relationships can attest, life can turn into a routine and a loving relationship can, for lack of a better term, coast along. Maybe it's more accurate to say 2015 is the year I've fallen for her all over again and developed a greater appreciation for her beauty, intelligence, love, and all her other qualities.

It's been a banner year for my music collection. I've acquired more than 70 vinyl records, not including the 33 1/3 and 78rpm records my grandparents gave me. Many CDs made their way into my home, too, and I've expanded my musical palette to include artists I previously wouldn't have thought (Wilco and Elvis Costello come to mind). Music has always been my passion to discuss, write about, and spend time with, so I'm incredibly thankful for what I've got.

So there's been much to celebrate this year in my household. I wish the best for you all as one year closes and another opens, full of possibility and promise. Happy New Year to us all.  

Thank You

I'm looking out the window at a beautiful backyard as the first snowfall of the Autumn / Winter of 2015-16 commences. I have a cup of strong Italian Roast coffee next to me, my family is playing on electronic gaming devices, and my dogs are lazy & content. Life is pretty darn good at the moment.

My posts on this blog have so far leaned toward the negative, or at least not been overwhelmingly happy. I even had a different topic picked for this post which followed suit. Instead, I feel the need to express gratitude for the good things in my life.

The latter half of 2015 has been a bit rough (a miscarriage, loss of a grandparent, and a close family member's health problems). Despite these, there have been - and continue to be - blessings in my life.

• We bought a house this Spring. I'm not bragging, but it's a beautiful house we now call home. We live in a good neighborhood and have a permanent space to call our own, to raise children in, to grow old in. 
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• My kids have done exceptionally well this year both personally and professionally; yes, I consider school to be their profession. Each is at or near the top of their class in several subjects and both have established friendships. Maddie continues to astonish with her musical ability and writing skills, and Elijah began Cub Scouts, a path I began at his age and followed to Eagle Scout. 
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• I've been able to expand my music collection further than perhaps any other year. I've discovered some hidden gems by artists I like as well as discovering new music to fill my ears. Good music has been a constant companion for many years now (bordering on obsessive to some) and it's something I feel has enriched my life.  
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• We've recommitted ourselves to our faith. This happened not long before this Fall's issues and has been quietly instrumental in sustaining my mental health through difficult times. We're supporting our kids' faith formation, and I'm my Dad's sponsor in RCIA (Right of Christian Initiation of Adults). At 66 and after 50 years away, he's made the choice to join the church and allowed me the privilege of taking the journey with him.
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• My relationship with my wife is stronger than it's been in years, perhaps ever. Through adversity comes strength and our loss a couple months ago has made me love, respect, and appreciate her more than I knew I could. 
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• Family & friends have been nothing but supportive though everything. In the hum-drum of day-to-day life, it's easy to forget how fortunate I am when it comes to what a great support system my family and I have.

I didn't mean to make a Thanksgiving post, but with the holiday coming next week, I guess that's what was on my mind. So to my American friends and family, Happy Thanksgiving, and to those around the world, I wish for happiness and goodness in your lives. Thanks for being there for me.

"The days I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations... Well, I have really good days." - Ray Wylie Hubbard

Loss and Grief during a difficult time...

Our beliefs and morals are shaped both by our surroundings and experiences. I have to tell you, then, that I am more certain of my pro-life stance than ever before. There's a darn good reason: my wife suffered a miscarriage this week.

From the beginning of our relationship, we've never planned on having more children (she has two from before we met). I've had the privilege of being their Dad, of helping raise a beautiful daughter and handsome son, both of whom are funny, intelligent, and kind. She's 11 and he'll be seven next month, bringing them both to the point of needing less supervision than before. It won't be too many more years before we can go on overnight trips and leave them home.

We bought our first (and hopefully last) home this Spring. It's a beautiful home and offers everything we need. However, it needs a few upgrades - new kitchen counters and backsplash, tearing up carpeting and refinishing the wood floors, and the like - and that's how we planned to spend or money for the next couple years.

Then, last week after not feeling well for a few days and exhibiting several tell-tale signs of being with child, she took a home pregnancy test... double pink lines. Pregnant. Unplanned. Shocking. Why now? How can we afford it? What do we need to do to get the house ready? Newer, larger vehicle, baby gates, diapers, daycare... Any parent out there knows these thoughts all too well.

I admit that my initial reaction involved several four-letter words and large amounts of disbelief. I wasn't sure I was happy. I wasn't sad, though, either. For the first 24 hours I had no idea how to feel. This was a new situation for me, one for which I was completely unprepared.

Then it happened: as we told close friends & family, followed by a very public announcement on Facebook, something clicked. I knew I was okay with it and even started to look forward to it. And I have to say, seeing my wife so unbelievably happy to be a Mom again cemented the deal for me. I can't put into words how great of a Mom she is - it's one of the qualities that first attracted me to her and earned my respect - and I know she'll be just as good to future children.

I don't need to put details of hospital visits and blood tests here, those are unimportant to the story. What is important is the emotions we felt this afternoon, laying in bed and weeping together, taking turns holding one another and consoling one another. A deep grief, one formed so quickly about events that took place in the course of only just over a week swept over us. A grief for the life we helped create being taken so quickly from us, months before we even had the opportunity to say, "Hello, little baby, welcome to the world. We love you!"

This brings me to the issue of abortion, of terminating a ball of tissue that will one day be a living, breathing miracle of creation. We didn't have the choice - Mother Nature chose for us, and it's a choice I'm incredibly angry at and saddened by. As the father of that future person, I can tell you that I see the issue in a whole new light. To say that it's a strictly a women's rights issue is not fully true, because it leaves 50% of the parenting team out of the equation and in the cases of the fathers who want to be Dads, I don't believe that's right.

Now, you can agree with me or disagree. It makes no difference. I realize the law is what it is and it's not likely to be changed. That said, I don't think many of those who are pro-choice have suffered this kind of loss. It's awful, and we didn't do it on purpose. To do so by one's choice will change your life forever, believe me. There's an empty space in our hearts right now. I cannot fathom how someone could choose to end a life which you have helped create. For those who are in a situation where they feel that is their best or only option, I pray for you, and I ask others to do the same.  

Hard Times in the Land of Plenty... of candidates, that is.

I feels hard to be a conservative these days.

It shouldn't be - goals of encouraging more people working and fewer ending up on welfare; having a smaller, less intrusive government; religious freedom; the right for law-abiding citizens to own a gun for hunting and to protect themselves... these are all principles that make sense to me.

Examples of why these principles work can be found everywhere you look. Take this past Labor Day Weekend in Chicago, IL: where the right to legally bear arms has been stripped away, 8 were killed and 46 were wounded in gun violence. In a city so culturally rich and with so much history in shaping America as we know it, this statistic is disheartening.

Then there's the video that went viral recently of a 30-year-old woman who has found every loophole she can in our welfare system and has been receiving government money for 12 years, and who doesn't believe she should ever get a job because she gets a check regularly funded by us. Government assistance was designed to help get people back on their feet during difficult times - job loss, health & medical issues, natural disasters, etc. - and that's a good thing because we should do what we can to help others. But it was designed to be temporary, not as a way of life for the lazy and the sluggish.

And then we come to religious freedom, brought to the forefront of the 2016 Presidential election thanks to the refusal to issue gay marriage licences by a thrice-divorced philanderer who fathered children by one man while married to another. The issue isn't really gay marriage (a divisive issue unto itself), but that's what it's turned in to. The hypocrisy of this lady claiming that gays getting hitched ruins the sanctity of marriage has turned the issue into a three ring circus featuring clowns of all varieties (Republican candidate Mike Huckabee, anyone?).

This brings me to the subject line of this post. Showcasing common-sense conservative values has become almost impossible thanks to the ridiculous amount of Republicans vying for the Presidential nomination. When there are 16 or 17 folks up there, it's hard enough for we conservatives to make a choice, let alone those in the mush-ball middle who may or may not vote Republican. Two have since exited the race: I liked Texas Governor Rick Perry, but losing Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker was no real loss at all to me.

The orange-tinted overgrown Oompa Loompa still leads many polls, but I question the validity of those numbers. We have a strong female candidate in Carly Fiorina, who is gaining but whose professional past is posing difficulties. Governor Jeb Bush is a viable candidate but is plagued both by his name and lack of excitement. And the list goes on and on and on...

I do like Dr. Ben Carson. He's been gaining in the polls and he has a lot of common-sense ideas. His professional reputation is impeccable and he's the embodiment of the American Dream: that despite coming from the hardest neighborhoods and having the odds stacked against them, a person can become a success if he or she is willing to work hard for what they want.

Now, is he the perfect candidate? No, and none of them are. In reality, the only people who see someone as an ideal candidate is the individual running. No candidate will likely ever stand 100% for my values unless I run for office myself. For now, though, he's the candidate for me.

Ashley Madison & Its Aftermath, Marriage, and America's Declining Commitment to Commitment

It's annoying when activist liberals who don't know what conservatism or Christianity are about point to the Duggar family (of 19 Kids & Counting infamy) and its cult-like existence as examples of what most of us Christian conservatives consider to be role models. When it came out that one of the show's stars was an admitted child molester, I watched in horror as members of his family attempted to downplay and justify his behavior, including the little sisters who he touched. When former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee went to bat for him, I immediately stopped following his various enterprises with a sense of extreme disappointment.

In the last week, that same family member is found to have had not one, but two accounts on Ashley Madison, a website whose sole purpose is to provide extramarital sexual affairs. Once again, his family has downplayed his despicable behavior and his wife even blames herself. As a logical, mostly decent person, I can't fathom how. Josh Duggar is a pervert, a pedophile, and a philanderer - it's who he is as a person and nothing she did made him that way, short of turning a blind eye to his atrocious behavior. Bogus public apologies aside, he'll have a lot to answer for when he comes before the God whose name he's abused so many times.

In a fact so overwhelming that it almost ceases to surprise, Duggar is just one of 34 million registered users  - that's more than four times the population of New York City. Is it possible that there are 34 million people living in unhappy marriages? I doubt it. Certainly the vast majority probably are, perhaps without even realizing it, but what it comes down to more than anything are a few key points:

• America's morals are at the lowest point they've been in for years. Lust and infidelity are glorified in all forms of media, becoming nearly unavoidable. The most popular TV shows and soulless pop music glorify a lifestyle of sleeping around, regardless of whether someone is married. 

• The kids who came of age in the 1980s have been called "The Me Generation," but the 21st Century has seen that claim laid to waste. Never before has there been such a proliferation of selfish behavior that demands instant gratification. More than ever, people want something and they want it now, damn it, no matter the consequence. 

• Marriage has been relegated into the category of "everyone should do it at least once." My grandparents' generation was the last to believe wholeheartedly in marriage being a lifelong commitment. Since the late 1970s, more than 50% of all marriages fail. Many with good reason: spousal abuse and infidelity have always been there, and many of the older generation stayed in loveless marriages when they shouldn't have. In this day and age, though, it's easy for someone to marry in the heat of passion and divorce the other months or even weeks later, with no worries to their reputation or sense of decency. 

The term "entitlement" gets tossed around a lot today, sometimes with good cause, sometimes not. But what else could it be that drove 34 million people to become liars, cheats, and lousy spouses? 'My wife doesn't understand me'... 'My husband works too many hours'... 'It's only sex, I still love her'... and whatever other excuses one makes to one's self to justify the sense that we should be able to be sexually satisfied no matter what the cost. It's human nature - we're entitled to happiness, right? Wrong. Not when it's at the expense of those we've made a vow to love, honor, and treasure 'til death do us part.

I've been blessed to be married for just over four years. My wife - a beautiful, intelligent, feisty, passionate, honest, hard-working, amazing woman - is there for me through thick and thin. She herself was the victim of bad things in her first marriage, and that makes me mad every time I think of it. But I also appreciate that she needs me to be there for her, too. It's not always easy; marriage takes work and commitment and you don't always get along or even like each other that much. But where there is love, there is hope for a marriage. 95% or more of our days are great together, making the blips on the radar worth it. She's my soul mate and I treasure her.

Sadly, until America wakes up from its moral slumber, and until the Sacrament of Marriage is taken more seriously, websites like Ashley Madison will always exist, sometimes even flourish. More and more people will get hurt by the selfish behavior of their husbands and wives. Society must wake up to the blessing we have in the form of lifelong commitment to the ones we love.